Greetings, Class of 2016! It is my great honor, today, to serve as your Commencement Speaker and bombard you with wisdom.
This season millions of good-looking young people just like you, in gowns and funny hats, will be handed fancy sheets of paper covered in calligraphy. These lovely pieces of parchment—also known as “diplomas”—will serve as your golden tickets to adult society. For the investment of a mere 13 years of drudgery you were allowed to complete High School. And today, for the obscene fee of approximately $100,000, you will be granted the status of College Graduate.
Armed with endless optimism, boundless enthusiasm, a meaningless degree and a fully-charged iPhone, you shall now venture into the intimidating, outside world. And within weeks—maybe days—you’ll be forced to face the trials and tribulations of grown-up life.
Of course, during your school years, you were faced with lesser decisions. Wrenching choices such as: “Do I take Calc 101, Geology 202, or The Emoji As Mammal-Hostile Multicultural Cliché 120?” And: “What shall I have for dinner tonight—pizza, chicken wraps, pizza, salad, or pizza?” And: “Which frat shall I rush—I Eta Pi, Rho Rho Rho, Zeta Beta Tomata, or Whatza Upsilon?”
But tomorrow, the second you emerge from this cozy womb of Academia, you’ll find yourselves assaulted by challenges of a more significant nature: “Where shall I live—a small, over-priced home, a small, over-priced apartment, or a small over-priced tree-house?” And: “Do I accept that day-job at Hot Dog on a Stick or pursue my dream career as an Infomercial Writer?” And: “What kind of transportation will I need to take every day—a used Smart Car, an over-crowded subway or my vintage Razor Scooter, ‘Rosebud?’”
How can we, the older, allegedly wiser generation help you through this jolting transition? What tools can we provide? In our constantly shifting society, what certainties can we advise you to cling to?
Well, eager young people, the answer to all of these questions is: My Buddy’s Nuts.
When you’re feeling unsure of yourself, when you’re feeling unworthy, when you’re required to make a tough call but your blood sugar is low, you can always gain strength from your relationship with nuts.
All six of our energy-packed pecan flavors are Vegan, NON-GMO, Gluten-Free, Organic Spice Blends, Locally Produced in Charlotte, NC. There is no better way to remind yourself of your intrinsic value than to treat yourself to a bag of nutty goodness when that big old world gets you down.
So, in conclusion, my tired and captive audience, I say to you: Go out there and make your presence known! You are the future! Give a voice to your dreams! Work your fingers to the bone but never take your eyes off of the prize! Carpe Diem—Seize the Day! And always hold onto My Buddy’s Nuts!
(Now, please proceed to the parking lot in an orderly fashion and purchase your collector’s edition DVD of this inspirational address from the folding table at the back of the arena.)